Choosing From Love

Written in 2018

My father was an extraordinary man.

Brilliant in ways that never required a title.

He was endlessly generous with his time, his knowledge, and his creativity.

He saw solutions where others saw problems.

He noticed details everyone else missed.

He built, repaired, and created with hands that seemed almost magical.

But what I remember most wasn't what he did.

It was the way people responded to him.

They respected him.

They admired him.

They loved him.

As a little girl, I absorbed all of it.

I loved being "Shmulik's daughter."

I was proud of him.

And without realizing it,

I made a decision.

If I wanted to be loved the way he was loved,

I had to become exceptional.

I had to stand out.

I had to be different.

I had to achieve.

Somewhere deep inside,

another belief quietly took root.

If I become like everyone else... I'll disappear.

That belief shaped many of my choices.

I fought to be the best student in my class.

I constantly tried to reinvent myself.

To do something different.

To become someone unforgettable.

Looking back,

I realize I wasn't chasing success.

I was chasing love.

As a child, I confused admiration with love.

Respect with belonging.

Achievement with worth.

As long as I stood out,

I believed I deserved to be seen.

But fear is a fragile foundation.

Choices made from fear rarely last.

The choices that transformed my life were born somewhere entirely different.

They came from love.

From the desire to heal.

To grow.

To become more fully myself.

Today I understand something my younger self couldn't.

I did become like my father.

Just not in the way I expected.

Not by following his path...

but by finding my own.

He saw extraordinary details in the physical world.

I learned to see extraordinary possibilities in people.

He could recognize a three-millimeter deviation in a steel structure.

I can recognize the quiet strength hidden inside a frightened human being.

Perhaps that is my version of seeing.

My version of creating.

Today I no longer need to prove that I am different.

I simply try to become more fully myself.

And something beautiful happens.

The more I grow,

The more space I create for others to grow too.

Fear brought me this far.

For that, I am grateful.

It did its job.

Now,

I choose love.